Unpopular Take: Boundaries

Maybe this is just unpopular to me. But I don't think so.

One time a pastor told me, “I don’t think you have very good boundaries.” She was angry at me at the time, and I might argue that her boundaries weren’t the greatest either, but still, she wasn’t wrong. (This paragraph—and/or entire post—might be proof, to be honest.)

Then again, it seems to me most people struggle with boundaries—whether the struggle plays out in having too many or not enough, too rigid or too porous. I think this is because we want to be known, and because sometimes we haven’t been well-received when we’ve been known, and also because we want to be known as good, kind, well-intentioned people, even when we’re not feeling good, or kind, or even particularly well-intentioned.

Also, if we struggle with boundaries because we care what people think, setting boundaries is hard because most of the time a boundary being set means it wasn’t there before, and whoever you’re “bounding” isn’t going to like it. (Or sometimes the boundary has been there already but your perception is that people don’t like it. Like the paywall below, which is a boundary I set up so that I can try not-fully-formed ideas out with A Readership, but not The Whole Internet.) I’m getting more comfortable with the paywall. But every time I have to set a new boundary, it feels like something—part of myself, or a relationship, or an idea about life and the universe that I used to have—dies a little.

On the other hand, I’m also starting to notice that when that thing—whatever it is—dies, there’s a new freedom that I wouldn’t have expected with, you know, boundaries. And with that freedom, a new kind of life. Maybe even resurrection.